Never for once in my life did I ever think I will put this story out for the world to read, but I have realized, to heal completely, I have to let out the hurt, pain and anger.
Quick Background: My Parents separated a few month before I was born and for the first 30 years of my life, I always felt not good enough. I always needed validation from everyone around me. I remember how jealous I always got when I see my friends’ fathers show up at events, school PTA, Sports and all those fun activities.Lol. I remember vividly dreading to never get married because I never wanted to give anybody access to hurt me again.
One question I have asked over the years has been; Why did he leave? Why? Was it something I did? Didn’t I look good enough on the scan (if there was ever any)? Why?. Oh I have cried enough to last a lifetime.
Year after year, I would weep in the corners of my room and gradually, low self-esteem started to creep in. I couldn’t hold a relationship/friendship for long. I either run when things get serious or get too clingy when things are visibly messed up and not working. Let me explain this, a father is a girl’s first example of what an ideal man should look like and sets the tune of what a relationship should look like. A mother’s love can’t be traded but the impact a father’s love and attention has on their children is beyond measure! I was desperate to be accepted, to be good enough, at least, for once in my life. And this horrible feeling started to shapen my life choices without me knowing it.
A Child (girl child in particular) grows up believing she is good enough and can take on the world because Daddy made her believe in herself all through the years. Babies have an innate drive to make sure that they get their basic needs met by a parent, caregiver or other significant person in their life. Different children develop different strategies for accomplishing this depending on the emotional environment and the kind of care available to them.
According to PsychAlive, “Attachment researchers have identified attunement as being significant in the formation of an attachment. Attunement means being in harmony; being aware of and responsive to another. Emotional attunement involves being in harmony first with oneself, then with another and finally with circumstances. Attunement and attachment are related in that an adult, who is available, attuned and responsive to a child’s needs, beginning in infancy, establishes a secure attachment for that child. This attunement creates a strong foundation from which that child can explore the world.
A lack of attunement or misattunement from a parent or primary caregiver results in an insecure attachment developing in the relationship with their child”. It gets as bad as if people with anxious attachment called a friend, partner or relative severally and they don’t pick, their brain starts thinking up the worst, are they dead? have they left? and only a return of the call or contact with the said person can calm the fears. It’s a really bad and needy place to be!
So I started a research. I knew I had fears, anxiety of being abandoned by anyone that I cared enough about. Friends, Family, Partner. Just about anyone. I just didn’t know what it was called. I found that this fear and attachment style is called Anxious-preoccupied attachment style. This involves anxiety about being abandoned and doubts about one’s worth in a relationship. These kinds of feelings and thoughts may lead people to stay in unhappy relationships. Anxious attachment often feel emotional hunger. … He doesn’t really love me. This means he is going to leave me and automatically cling on to the relationship which cuts across as needy, clingy or desperate. This is NOT to justify abusive relationships. You can easily tell the difference when your partner is being irresponsible and when it is just paranoia from your anxiety.
As Parents, our actions have lifetime impacts on our children, on their self-esteem and the kind of relationships they foster later in life. I am on the journey to the more secure side of life. Daily healing and reminding myself, it has nothing to do with me. I am in a much better place now which is why I can talk about it.
In another article, I’ll discuss different attachment styles, what causes them and how to get out fast if you find that you re on the wrong path! Pattern develops when parents are cold, emotionally unavailable and distant, and children then try to shut down their awareness of their primary needs. This article will explain how a Parent’s love, attention and availability in childhood and goes on to effect individuals in their adult relationships. This is a 4 part article and hopefully it will be able to help you determine your attachment style (and if you need to get help), and also how to nurture your children to ensure they grow up to become secure adults.
Did you have a barely present or totally absent mum or dad? How did it affect your adult relationships? Please shoot me a mail! I’ll love to read from you and share your stories. Anonymously if you want. You should also read the book: The Unavailable Father: Seven Ways Women Can Understand, Heal, and Cope With a Broken Father-Daughter Relationship by Sarah Simms Rosenthal.
Love,
Tosin.
